I have a new blog now.

this one will remain up just for the sake of people reading the olden posts. but i made a new one, its at http://www.myheartsoverseas.blogspot.com

These days.

So lately i've been seeing once whole hearts slip through the cracks a little too much. its that transitory period during youth where we grow apart for whatever reason. sometimes it feels like abandonment. sometimes you don't see it coming, and sometimes, you do. i guess for every friend lost, its a lesson learned; and that's what we've been told, because we're supposed to expect this kind of pain and by default understand it, but i can't quite understand how one could seemingly replace a best friend with a fuck buddy and simply brush it off. it's a lack of understanding. frustration, distress, to no avail; you stop trying to make your point. it's no one's fault. the two parties leave it to neglect. just leave it in the cold: he denies giving it thought, she refuses to speak.
the perpetual cycle that is the midpoint between childhood and 'the real world'. at least that's what they call it. as if life doesn't begin until you hit 25 and have to 'take responsibility' for yourself and give up that freedom, and that sometimes dull, and sometimes sharp pain, that comes with being 16.
we ignore each other. we don't communicate. we cry. we laugh. we think about each other incessantly, hoping that perhaps with each passing wish, things will get easier.
but sometimes only one person will even put the energy into thinking at all.
it's so easy to deny. it takes bravery to save something beautiful. it won't fix itself.
i'll never know how you feel, because i've got a feeling that we'll never grow close enough to talk about it. that phase is over.
"live and learn," while it should be, "live and linger." because that's what loss and pain does.

Anything else but the truth

I'm slightly upset. things feel awry. at least one part of my life does. i heard somewhere that its a constant fact of life that when everything begins to find its rightful place and feel whole again, something else starts falling apart. and it feels like that right now.
i dont know how he lives with just ignoring my existence. i can't ignore him. it breaks my heart to know that he doesn't want to see me.
its inevitable that the feelings we can't control have ruined our friendship.
we used to say that we'd be roommates in college.
we used to say that we'd always be there for each other, as fucking cliche as i know that is.
all that's gone, and i guess i have to accept it. i need to learn.

Such Great Heights

I'm too happy for words. so happy, in fact, that i've been handwriting my experiences down for the past few weeks, passing up blogging for a while. i havent had the heart for typing lately. there seems to be little heart in typing. i need passion. give me passion.

I am thinking it's a sign.

I'm thinking i'm feeling really great right about now. i haven't felt this way, really, in a while. i'm not going to be naive and expect too much. i just hope i'm right for once---that maybe this could be something wonderful.
these first moments i hope aren't the last. tonight was beautiful. my heart's beating a little fast.
i like the way he holds my hand, and smiles. i like the way he kisses me. the little, ridiculous doodles i left on his hands; the way he doesn't mind that i did so. the way i can't stop thinking about him. he's cozy, he's sweet, he's adorable, and i dont think he knows it.
i don't know. it's wembley.

please, let me be right.

You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend.

I can't even feel comfortable asking my mother if i can eat some Chinese after eating no dinner.
I can't even face my feelings for my best friend. I can't even decide how the fuck i feel.
I can't function around the guy I actually kind of dig. I'm good at creating awful, awkward situations, and I know he doesn't like me, how the hell could anyone?
and i know im making myself seem so pathetic, so lame. desperate, i guess is the word. i just have so much on my mind and i dont know what to say.
ahhh.
i need to breathe.
bye.

Get the hell out of this town.

I miss my friends. i miss seeing samara every day at school and i miss seeing andy every weekend. i miss having someone to complain to about guys. but now she's absolutely smitten, so i can be pathetic on my own. its absolutely grand.
today was a disaster. i really anticipated it being decent, or at least something that could be laughed over later but it wasn't.
i don't know why i try.
it's really difficult to say why i'm so upset. i guess i gave something a shot that i shouldn't have.
back to the drawing board, back to good ol' single me. at least i won't break anything, or get anything broken.