Anything else but the truth

I'm slightly upset. things feel awry. at least one part of my life does. i heard somewhere that its a constant fact of life that when everything begins to find its rightful place and feel whole again, something else starts falling apart. and it feels like that right now.
i dont know how he lives with just ignoring my existence. i can't ignore him. it breaks my heart to know that he doesn't want to see me.
its inevitable that the feelings we can't control have ruined our friendship.
we used to say that we'd be roommates in college.
we used to say that we'd always be there for each other, as fucking cliche as i know that is.
all that's gone, and i guess i have to accept it. i need to learn.

Such Great Heights

I'm too happy for words. so happy, in fact, that i've been handwriting my experiences down for the past few weeks, passing up blogging for a while. i havent had the heart for typing lately. there seems to be little heart in typing. i need passion. give me passion.

I am thinking it's a sign.

I'm thinking i'm feeling really great right about now. i haven't felt this way, really, in a while. i'm not going to be naive and expect too much. i just hope i'm right for once---that maybe this could be something wonderful.
these first moments i hope aren't the last. tonight was beautiful. my heart's beating a little fast.
i like the way he holds my hand, and smiles. i like the way he kisses me. the little, ridiculous doodles i left on his hands; the way he doesn't mind that i did so. the way i can't stop thinking about him. he's cozy, he's sweet, he's adorable, and i dont think he knows it.
i don't know. it's wembley.

please, let me be right.

You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend.

I can't even feel comfortable asking my mother if i can eat some Chinese after eating no dinner.
I can't even face my feelings for my best friend. I can't even decide how the fuck i feel.
I can't function around the guy I actually kind of dig. I'm good at creating awful, awkward situations, and I know he doesn't like me, how the hell could anyone?
and i know im making myself seem so pathetic, so lame. desperate, i guess is the word. i just have so much on my mind and i dont know what to say.
ahhh.
i need to breathe.
bye.

Get the hell out of this town.

I miss my friends. i miss seeing samara every day at school and i miss seeing andy every weekend. i miss having someone to complain to about guys. but now she's absolutely smitten, so i can be pathetic on my own. its absolutely grand.
today was a disaster. i really anticipated it being decent, or at least something that could be laughed over later but it wasn't.
i don't know why i try.
it's really difficult to say why i'm so upset. i guess i gave something a shot that i shouldn't have.
back to the drawing board, back to good ol' single me. at least i won't break anything, or get anything broken.

Something pretty wonderful, 4:08 a.m.

I'm just happy. so much better than i was around midnight.
i've got a good feeling about this. really good. im not sure why i suddenly have hope in this department.
it would be pretty redundant to say that hopefully, this hope im hoping isn't false hope.
but its the only way i know how to put it!
hmm!

12:17 a.m., December 26th.

Most depressing time of year.
And i've never noticed it.
I don't want to take down the tree
I don't want the Christmas songs to go silent
I don't want the lights to come down and be put away in a simple box in our attic.
I don't want my family to leave, I don't want Christmas to be over.