You must think I'm still sixteen.

My eye is watering, my head is slightly aching and needless to say, i didn't go to school today. Which is a good thing. I need to sleep. I don't think that i could survive one more day without adequate sleep. But its seemingly useless, because every night i get the suggested amount of shut-eye, and yet it does nothing for my body. I'm still exhausted. Still reluctant to do anything which my day dictates. All the things i need to do, i never get done.
So i was thinking about samara. The fact that her puppy has died---he was only a few months old and i still don't know what happened---brings random images to my mind, sam's father driving us to the local coffee shop for frozen cappuccinos and candies, staying up all night long just pondering why the fuck we did this, or that, laughing, rarely crying, and at any given moment, always enjoying ourselves. After all, Sam's supposed to be my best friend, as dumb as that sounds. There's an arsenal of memories telling me that it's totally worth it to keep trying to keep that a reality every time she cancels our plans, every time she doesn't call, every time she breaks a promise or previous engagement without any real reason. I'm starting to think that i'm stupid for trying. Andy calls it loyalty, but is it really loyalty if i never learn when to stop? Sad thing is, I already know that we've been through this before. Or at least I have.
Saturday we're hanging out.
I'm worn out.

Passenger.

I sometimes feel as if i'm in a movie. its almost like an out of body thing. but it isnt really, i just envision things in a different light, i guess. i'm not necessarily the lead role:

music's got to be playing in the background, or she doesnt feel it. she's the girl always trying to find relevancy. she's the silly one, but no one knows it until she's out of her shell. wishing she was the one up there onstage, doing what she wants to do. never quite finding the right words to say for fear of being overbearing, or too vulnerable. too breakable. making sorry attempts at figuring out this whatever. trying to find something she's good at because its never as if she's good enough. she's not totally lost. but she always keeps trying. she can be put down a thousand times. turned down, told 'never', and she's determined. or maybe she's just stupid. or is it loyalty? her best friend could tell her, "nah, i can't," at every given opportunity and she'd still keep at it. i guess its pathetic.
she prides herself on being really confident, and really assertive.
or maybe she's just insecure and too argumentative for her own good.

i dont know.
she might need some character development.

Pretty bad.

I'm okay. i guess. at least i know who my real friends are. i just wish they could be around more often. distance always makes it worse.

Well, on another note.


Nevermind.

I'm tired.

my legs are sore, well, to be honest, my entire body is sore.
waidestock was skanktastic.
i had a lovely time. and i got to see friends i havent seen in months. 12 hours away from the house, laughing, hugging, and ohhhh the music. there was the good, the bad, and just really sweaty. it was awesome. big d were great, probably one of the highlights of my night when it came to music. jerk city were great, the matches were good too, i only caught part of emmure's set but they were lovely..
and da mezzanine throwdown was GRANNNDD 'we dont have the bree bree music in switzerland!' cindy's such a magnificent character. ho ho ho.
blahh

im skipping out on the homecoming dance to watch absurdly gory movies in costume saturday :)
so thatll be fun.
and i borrowed a DIY book from sam, lots of ideas im going to take advantage of. there's this amazzzinnnggg clear tote bag project in there that i absolutely adore, so as soon as i get myself to ac moore then im getting on that.


good night lovelies

Iced animal crackers

How i do wish i had some. they represent something amazing, colorful, tasty as fuck and just flawless altogether. but a few bites and its gone. That's like some crappy love metaphor.
But no matter. i really want some right about now. thatd be pretty awesome.
julius caesar is a grand play, might i add. shakespeare never fails to please me. and marlon brando's a hottie. (we got to see part of the film version, it was really grand as well.)



Toodles.
p.s. i put together my final costume. i make a really great bettie page. minus the whip.

Bitch.

For lack of a better term.
I'm okay. We're alright. Gina and i deserve so much better than this.


So we'll be fine.
On another note...

Rilo Kiley's new album is pretty awesome.
and motion city's is just AMAZING.

'broken heart' is pretty easy to identify with.

Night.

I never met a more impossible girl.

It's kind of pathetic. i feel really awkward in school. but i got to meet an indie filmmaker/actor today after school, now that, dear readers, was awesome. his name is D.J. Mendel. get to know the man.
I wish, really bad, that i wasn't in stage crew, and that i was an actor on stage. i know the people who did get the roles were most certainly very deserving; they're all great people... but it sucks that im not one of them. oh well. i probably wouldn't mesh really well in the group anyway. i rarely ever do.
But i am starting to draw. badly, i might add, but its still fun and it gives me something to do when in world history. that class might as well be the biggest waste of time and least fun i'll ever have.
At least this year.
And tomorrow seems like it'll be a good day and night. im hitting up east stroudsburg with andy for halloween costumes. then, we're going to work on some music and watch some movies that night.

Silence of the lambs, clerks, and salvation army FTW.