I need high ceilings.

When you're at the high school on a weekend (for drama, in my situation), it's relaxing. tall ceilings with great acoustics, walking the dark hallways and wandering into the chorus and band rooms alone. it's calming. there's this factor of: no worries (unless parsons comes skipping along), and freedom to just be.
i dont know. its nice. its really nice.
this week is going to be so busyyyy.
drama every day, busy busy busy.
but itll all pay off!
:D

I'm tired.

I'm tired, and probably should be snoozing away at this point, but i figured i might as well write a few words before i do that.
i was in a bit of an argumentative mood earlier this evening, its probably because my wisdom teeth surgery made it difficult (physically) to say anything, and i at times have lots to say.
but now, i don't, because i already got it all out with my angry typage.
im hungry but too lazy to travel downstairs for food. and too lazy to eat it, too, because its a chore even attempting such a thing with a swollen, sore mouth.
i'm listening to rilo kiley, thinking that perhaps i should play something a little less loud and upbeat. something like the honorary title would feel pretty nice, because something like iron and wine would probably put me to sleep right about now.
my back hurts from hunching over the goddamn keyboard.
im going to go.
or, at least try to muster up the willpower to just do it.
but im caught up in conversation with my buddy andrew, and i really want to help him out.



ahhhhhh.

Blog in the making?

I have this tendency to start things and give up on them due to excess laziness and such (there are countless websites i've built over my 7th and 8th grade years that have not seen the light of day since then, even though they're floating around cyberspace somewhere or other...) but i'm considering (not seriously considering, mind you, ha) starting a street fashion blog on blogger. it'd b fun. the only thing i'd worry about, besides abandoning it at some point in the near future as i so-often-do, is kids being willing to be photographed in public by complete strangers (i.e. sam and me, not that she has any idea i have come up with this concept to begin with) for a fashion blog.
its not like i have this extensive knowledge of fashion. i know a bit, and i know some of my designers. im interested, in the least, but way more in the personal style of regular people than runway models.
but the point is, not to care!
a fancy label means absolutely nothing.
street fashion is doing whatever the hell you want, and looking unique and fantastic at the very same time.
to publish that on the internet and maybe somebody finding the site and actually kind of enjoying it... that'd be thirty times more awesome than i can say. realistically.
how can i be sure anybody would be interested anyway?
i guess i just go for it.
i'll talk to samara, maybe she'd dig it.
im going to go entertain the idea in my head.
nighty!

Thanksgiving,

In the light of this thanksgiving, and my wisdom teeth surgery (not in that order), i'm feeling alright. my mouth is sore, and i look like a chipmunk in a black wig and a plum colored cardigan.
the surgery went well, i guess, because apparently, the terrible discomfort is completely normal and i've just got to deal with it. and thats okay. its difficult to eat anything that isn't mushy and cold. at least i get tons of ice cream, and popsicles, and soda out of it. sweet deal :D
the surgery process was so strange. i had never had any kind of surgery, so this was a bit of an adventure. an adventure i wouldnt have minded going without, but its a necessary evil, so, yep.
first they put me under the nitrous oxide in order to relax me and put the iv in my arm. i felt so strange, like dreaming, but it was scary, because of how heavy i felt and how defenseless my body became.
then i went under, they pulled the teeth out, and boom, im here, feeling pretty uncomfortable. i just want it to go away already.

thanksgiving was limited, obviously. but it was still nice.

I'm going to rest and ice my cheek so i dont feel totally horrible.

You must think I'm still sixteen.

My eye is watering, my head is slightly aching and needless to say, i didn't go to school today. Which is a good thing. I need to sleep. I don't think that i could survive one more day without adequate sleep. But its seemingly useless, because every night i get the suggested amount of shut-eye, and yet it does nothing for my body. I'm still exhausted. Still reluctant to do anything which my day dictates. All the things i need to do, i never get done.
So i was thinking about samara. The fact that her puppy has died---he was only a few months old and i still don't know what happened---brings random images to my mind, sam's father driving us to the local coffee shop for frozen cappuccinos and candies, staying up all night long just pondering why the fuck we did this, or that, laughing, rarely crying, and at any given moment, always enjoying ourselves. After all, Sam's supposed to be my best friend, as dumb as that sounds. There's an arsenal of memories telling me that it's totally worth it to keep trying to keep that a reality every time she cancels our plans, every time she doesn't call, every time she breaks a promise or previous engagement without any real reason. I'm starting to think that i'm stupid for trying. Andy calls it loyalty, but is it really loyalty if i never learn when to stop? Sad thing is, I already know that we've been through this before. Or at least I have.
Saturday we're hanging out.
I'm worn out.

Passenger.

I sometimes feel as if i'm in a movie. its almost like an out of body thing. but it isnt really, i just envision things in a different light, i guess. i'm not necessarily the lead role:

music's got to be playing in the background, or she doesnt feel it. she's the girl always trying to find relevancy. she's the silly one, but no one knows it until she's out of her shell. wishing she was the one up there onstage, doing what she wants to do. never quite finding the right words to say for fear of being overbearing, or too vulnerable. too breakable. making sorry attempts at figuring out this whatever. trying to find something she's good at because its never as if she's good enough. she's not totally lost. but she always keeps trying. she can be put down a thousand times. turned down, told 'never', and she's determined. or maybe she's just stupid. or is it loyalty? her best friend could tell her, "nah, i can't," at every given opportunity and she'd still keep at it. i guess its pathetic.
she prides herself on being really confident, and really assertive.
or maybe she's just insecure and too argumentative for her own good.

i dont know.
she might need some character development.

Pretty bad.

I'm okay. i guess. at least i know who my real friends are. i just wish they could be around more often. distance always makes it worse.

Well, on another note.


Nevermind.