Rehab.

I cried enough for one day. i decided this after he left and i invited my two best friends over for the night. somehow, i just didn't think i'd survive alone. as melodramatic as that sounds. maybe that was just the broken heart talking. for all i know, it probably was.
we whipped out some good records (and some horrible, as well), put on some vintage frocks, and curled andy's hair. used up about 2 hours of our lives and half a can of hairspray. none of which we regret. i did his makeup, and sam and i picked out a nice red dress for him to slip into.
all while a whitney houston 7-inch from the eighties was spinning on the turntable.
he wanted to kill us. we just wanted to see what a great drag queen he'd make. and a fantastic one he is.
i am so pathetic, i am the only girl in the world whose eyes could possibly well up with tears at 'pay to cum' by bad brains. he ruined some good music for me. at least for the time being.
we danced, we laughed, and each of them listened intently as i spilled my guts, and my heart. im sure it got redundant, but somehow they never give a care. they really love me. you dont know how good that feels.
after andy left, sam and i cuddled up on the couch with a precious moments blanket and popped 'bridget jones' diary' in the dvd player. we scoffed and shouted at the screen at the bad guy. we whined at the heartbreak. we cheered for mark, who ultimately came to love and adore bridget for who she was. the world's population of women in its entirety needs more men like him. samara and i are still trying to find these kinds of boys. (gina is, too. so far, little or no luck at all.)
afterward, samara introduced me to 'hedwig and the angry inch', a fabulous musical about a transsexual german rockstar.
needless to say, she never ceases to amaze me in our friendship.
thanks to both hedwig and sam, i also became acquainted with an old myth:
when the human race was created, people were conjoined in pairs. zeus then split each in two. so, it was believed that that is the reason as to why we are always looking for our other half. its why we love.
'its the origin of love.' isnt that pretty cool? it isn't true, of course, its only alive in mythology. but its such a whimsical concept.
at any rate:
something like 8 brownies, one toaster strudel, one can of organic spaghettios, one can of ravioli, one butterfinger, six or seven sodas, one slice of grape pie with over half a tub of cream on top, some cookies, a piece of bread with a pound of butter on top, about a thousand laughs and one romantic comedy later, both samara and andy are home now, and its up to me to feel okay on my own.

hopefully there's enough comfort food and a good, juicy lifetime movie to keep me from crying tonight.

Petals broke from tips of roses.

Tonight...
i'm going to collage, mayhaps send something to postsecret. that'd be fun. almost exciting. something to consider, i guess.
i'm probably going to cry. i'm going to try to occupy myself. i am not going to bask in naivete.
i'm not going to give up. but i am going to take things for what they are. i just want to stop feeling this fucking crappy.


'i'm filling in the empty spaces where you left your mark.'

Tears dry on their own.

i am too bitter to look on the bright side right now, although i know there's got to be one somewhere. i'm listening to amy winehouse, trying to cheer up. cookies can also help do the trick. i stayed home today because i had a pretty crappy stomach ache this morning, and i guess i needed the rest anyway. i really didn't want to stay home, because i dont want to miss any more school (although i only had one other sick day and that was two days ago..) and i still want to see him tomorrow.
its funny how badly i still want to hold him, although i feel as if he's almost screwing me over. leaving me hanging like this. im trying my best to keep my head up. i translated much of this heartbreak into anger. im trying my best here.
hopefully he'll actually call and we can get some things straight.
i hope he can drive us to nibor's tomorrow so i can get caffeine. a nice fattening drink will do me some good.

who knows why i try?

no, i am not in a good mood.
no, i am not thrilled about going to school tomorrow. (am i ever?)
no, i am not happy about the fact that he 'may or may not' still have a thing for his fucking ex.
and yes, thats exactly what it sounds like.
i need caffeine. i need reassurance. i want to see samara. i want to breathe. i want to stop crying. i want to stop coughing. i want this frustration to just dissolve. i want to know that he's not with her tonight. i want to know that he still adores me. or that he doesn't. i just want to know for certain whether im being dumped, or kept around. it'd be nice to not have to hang off of every single word, trying to get an answer out of him.
i wouldn't mind it if i actually lacked justification for bitching on a blog.
because if all of this was totally uncalled for, i would feel stupid, and refrain from complaining.

thanks. you just wasted a 1.5 minutes of your life. as did i.
-sigh-

whats on me mind.

i am tired. i am thirsty. i am bored, but somehow im so tired it doesnt even matter. i think too much. i have a butterfinger in the freezer just waiting for the perfect moment to be devoured. my favorite holiday is halloween. i like it when leaves turn a deep crimson. i think i may be too much of a romantic for my own good. one of these days, before it gets too cold, i'd like to take a nap in the field. hopefully not alone, and hopefully not at sunset, because i'm pretty scared of the dark, and it'd be black as pitch by the time we'd wake up. i really like the words 'existentialism' and 'anachronism'. i want to take my clothes off. i want to see across the universe. i like asian-inspired trinkets. i want to know he likes me as much as i adore him. im most certainly not a pessimist. i would like to let go and scream at the top of my lungs. i'd appreciate it if creeps didn't stare at my chest. im content. i have the greatest friends in this entire world. my mom says when i make certain faces i look like a weirdo from hellraiser. i think i wasted too much time on this blog. help me waste my time. efficiently. good night.

let me be loved, let me be loved.

for some reason, i feel at peace. im not sure what it is about today. its one of those absolutely flawless afternoons, for one... the sunlight is shedding a magnificent light against the trees and flowers outdoors, creating a bright, gorgeous gold. the air is perfect; a sublime breeze, not too cold, and most certainly not too warm. the kind of weather you want to lie out in the grass and just feel.



im at peace.

such great heights.

i couldnt really think of a more appropriate title for this.
but i might as well tell you, i havent felt this way in ages. this is something i felt i could only ever dream. i didnt expect this to happen. i thought stuff like this just happened in really blatantly romantic movies that suck but end up making your heart melt all the same.

im happy.
very happy.
thats all.

plays pretty for baby

i have a headache and am not in the happiest of moods but i'm alright. i just need a hot pocket.
really badly.
and dance around or something. absolutely anything.
im okay. its really no big deal. i just overanalyze everything and hate myself for it at times, but its just something i need to work at. i overthink everything. like now.
good night!

production

well. today was alright. school pictures, whatever. crisis kits, whatever. fucking stoners, whatever.
i cried a bit. i hate to say it, but i did. i guess i sort of let someone get to me, for some reason or another. but its not me. thats not who i am. im so much better than that. besides, it wasnt the words that bothered me, it was something else.
at any rate. im okay now. tomorrow is going to be an amazing day. ginger brew and walks in the field :) i simply cannot wait. i really hope my parents get home from car shopping as soon as humanly possible tomorrow morning because i want to see b. really badly. you have no idea. its so funny---that no matter what the hell he does or says, he has this marvelous ability to make me smile. i love that. i need that in my life. its trivial, i know. its no big deal, i know. chances are this could be a whole lot of nothing, i know, i know, i know. but i like him. and i think it could be the opposite of the latter. possibly.
im going to let my first friday since school began be a wonderful one. im going to watch guys and dolls and hopefully get my ass to the movie store to get garden state considering the fact my brother VERY RUDELY, MIGHT I ADD took it to kutztown university.

tomorrow will be wonderful. tonight will be relaxing. buhbye.

well then.

he certainly does know how to make me smile.


i think diggin this.


on another note. school has started. whatev.

BYE