what's on my mind.

i've got plenty on my mind. ive got nearly three books for english honors i've got to finish. ive got someone whose smile just keeps replaying in my head (who knows if that person feels that way about me, i'm guessing it's a no.) I'm kind of craving a hot pocket, too.

I feel lame. I can't let myself get attached. I'm going to get hurt once again. If it's going to turn into anything, he needs to show some kind of initiative. I'm not sure I want to try.

I'm worrying entirely too much.
I need to let go of whatever the fuck you-know-who did to hurt me.
I'm strong.

idealogical struggles my ass.

bush is comparing the vietnam war to the war at hand in iraq. calling them both 'ideaological struggles' (well, depends on the day, considering we americans like to change our minds as to why the hell we're over there pretty damn often.)
and if we really are putting our best soldiers on the line in the name of democracy, an ideal government (to us, anyway), then it's truly an unrealistic feat. you see, an idea like that---that you can force your culture on another and expect them to conform successfully---is like doing an organ transplant on someone with a completely different bloodtype than the donor. it doesn't work because that nation has been the way it has been for years. it simply cannot adapt.
more americans will die. more mothers turned to widows. more fathers turned to widowers. more children with single parents. more parents having to bury their son or daughter. and for what reason? well, to some, its in the name of fighting terrorism. eradicating something that has very dangerous potential.
now i dont disagree that terrorism is a horrific thing. it truly is. but we bombed iraq with the intention of finding weapons of mass destruction (none!), then we kicked their dictator's ass (he's dead now, mind you), and by then we destroyed so much we thought, hey, let's try instilling our form of government on a population that's most certainly not used to the way it works.
on another note, fighting terrorism is like fighting crime: you can't destroy it in its entirety. call me crazy, but why not try defending your own nation (you know, the one you were elected to help protect? ring a bell?) and increasing security HERE rather than playing the good cop and sending our sons and daughters to die overseas? we could make airports more secure. educate the public on what to do if they see suspicious activity. there are so many alternatives. alternatives that help save lives rather than take them.
don't get me wrong. i 250% support our troops. but that doesn't mean i support this war. i can certainly see that similarities exist between 'nam and iraq. the reasons for both: illegitimate. public opinion concerning each: negative. the majority of america wants their troops back.
and if things work out the way that i think they will, the american people will end this war. just like vietnam.

lethargy

i slept something like thirteen hours and for some reason, due to the way biology works, i am still tired. and not even just a little. im exhausted. so exhausted. but ill get to napping in a bit.
well, today was alright. it stormed. but thats okay because i don't mind the rain. its just always a little better if you've got a friend with you.
speaking of friends. i think i hurt one today. its more than just suspecting it, i know i did. and it bothers me too but i cant really control where my heart is. its with friends. my family. my life. not with anyone romantically. i can't change that until someone comes along and does.

anyway.
im going to eat some tortellini.

yearning, yearning.

im craving something. and im not quite sure what it is. im getting some sort of reaction on my arms from the sunblock i used yesterday, so i'm physically uncomfortable, but beneath all of that i'm just sick of being alone. i honestly am. so i get the best of both worlds, huh?
i can be so insensitive and yet i can be the sweetest girl. i guess that goes hand in hand with being a teenager; that angst that comes out when the pain is obvious and then the heart i have at any given moment at its purest.
i apologize if none of this is making sense. im doing my best here to vent.
i want to sing. i want to cry. i want to laugh. i want to smile. i want to scream. there is so much in me that needs an outlet. i need to be heard. i want to be held. i want to feel something. i want it to rain.
i feel so pathetic blogging about these things. my eyes are filling with tears. god, all i need right now is a good cry. that'd get everything out. at least for now. and it would feel good.
the moment i say 'goodbye' to my friends online im going to write. my favorite things, a song even, then ill catch up on my reading if im still up for it.

i just need a pick me up. something caffeinated.

not to get all hallmarky on you, but, fuck, only i can define who the hell this girl is.

august eighth, ohseven.

greatest day of my summer. so great, in fact, that i'm already planning a second trip to see spring awakening so that i can have yet another wonderful day. another 'greatest day', if you will.
the musical itself... i cannot explain to you how incredible it truly was, and is. the script itself is genius. the music is infectious; and it really does make you feel like you showed up for a rock show rather than a musical. each song forces you to believe that you are the only one in the theatre. it stirs up emotions you thought didn't exist. you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll smile, you'll watch with sorrow in your heart. it's truly worth the two hour bus ride and the amount we spent on tickets.
come october i'll be awakened again, for lack of a better term.
i cannot wait. this was the best day since god knows when.

my conclusion.

i'm not actually having an epiphany as i write this. so, by 'conclusion', what i really mean is, "i have this newfound something", just not quite sure how to word it. you see, ive had this issue with songwriting where i could never write anything that didn't sound and read as contrived. it was fake to me. it didn't come naturally, it was as though i was writing for an objective although it was a subconcious decision to do so. so, by default, i hated anything that came from my pen. but this past night i set out to write a song that really was something i could be proud of. and i did. with old springs pike's 'i thought of you' playing in the background, i found ample inspiration for a piece of lyrical work that really felt good writing. and im actually kind of proud of it.
so i'm sitting here, and i feel kind of confident about it. im going to write some more tonight; because ive got a lot of inspiration and influences that need to be put to paper.
lately ive been getting to sleep super late considering the fact ive been making collages and painting things and just delving into little projects like that. its fun, and it keeps me busy.
so wednesday's coming up kinda fast. which trust me, i'm totally and completely fine with that because i've been waiting for this for months, what seemed to be AGES. and i'm SO FUCKING EXCITED! if you don't know, and haven't heard me get crazy about it, august eighth is the day i'm going to new york city to see spring awakening. you have no idea how much im looking forward to it. nothing's standing in my way of having an amazing time. ill see to that, ha.
well i think i'm done. carpal tunnel syndrome may be my demise if i keep ranting, so ill stop ;)

i have a headache!

and i'm typing really fast about nothing
i want to stay up relatively late tonight
i also want to find my clerks 2 dvd because its currently MIA

and i love those movies.








:(

my ass hurts

from sitting on a non-cushioned chair for so damn long. but you know, i feel compelled to blog. so my butt's just going to have to endure this pain for a little longer.
there are so many things i want to do.
i want to learn how to crochet, so i can make myself a red knit hat. because the one i'm wearing hurts my brain.
i also would like to buy some more little tubs of textile paint because i have this obsession with splattering blank t-shirts among other things with the black paint i had sitting on my dresser.
i want to go shopping.
i want to learn how to develop photographs by hand.
i want my bum to stop hurting.
i want to have a chopping at my bangs this evening.
i feel selfish saying 'i want' so many freaking times.
so we're going to create another useless post!