Get the hell out of this town.

I miss my friends. i miss seeing samara every day at school and i miss seeing andy every weekend. i miss having someone to complain to about guys. but now she's absolutely smitten, so i can be pathetic on my own. its absolutely grand.
today was a disaster. i really anticipated it being decent, or at least something that could be laughed over later but it wasn't.
i don't know why i try.
it's really difficult to say why i'm so upset. i guess i gave something a shot that i shouldn't have.
back to the drawing board, back to good ol' single me. at least i won't break anything, or get anything broken.

Something pretty wonderful, 4:08 a.m.

I'm just happy. so much better than i was around midnight.
i've got a good feeling about this. really good. im not sure why i suddenly have hope in this department.
it would be pretty redundant to say that hopefully, this hope im hoping isn't false hope.
but its the only way i know how to put it!
hmm!

12:17 a.m., December 26th.

Most depressing time of year.
And i've never noticed it.
I don't want to take down the tree
I don't want the Christmas songs to go silent
I don't want the lights to come down and be put away in a simple box in our attic.
I don't want my family to leave, I don't want Christmas to be over.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

So i wandered throughout the mall this evening, people watching as i so love to do. i had my ear buds in, with neutral milk hotel and the shins, and feist singing some of my favorite songs into my head and into my heart. i saw couples, i saw young mothers, i saw fathers and boyfriends/professional procrastinators buying their daughters and girlfriends gifts a good two days before christmas day. i saw the tall shining tree, children gazing at the lights with pure wonder in their eyes. using the banister as a guide i watched all around me, barely paying any attention to where i was going. i was just looking to every which direction, slowly, pensively, and happily. feeling somewhat free. sure, i was at a mall of all places, a corporate powerhouse where the objective of all is to shop and feed the machine. but none of that matters---none of that cynical bullshit matters, because christmastime is so much more. that mundane haze that typically surrounds nearly every bit of my surroundings faded. hell, maybe christmas had nothing to do with it. but that's no matter.
the downpour felt wonderful on my skin as i walked into the parking lot, disregarding all. others rushed for 'safety', but frankly, the safety for me lied in the rain. that comfort. i didn't want a jacket, i didn't want my hat. i wanted the rain more than anything at that moment.
and so i wonder, and i think, and things have gotten a bit more inhibited since then, considering laptops and walls will do that to you. and i long for that freedom, once again. someone accompany me into the field, because, admittedly, i'm rather afraid of the dark. i know its raining. but it surely isn't cold.

Hello there, I know you don't know me.

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind right now. how i've noticed that i can nearly never agree with someone---i always have to antagonize, i always have to defend myself. i can never just sit back and shut the fuck up. i need to stop being so domineering. maybe it's just my height. or lack thereof. the elf always wants the leg up.
im also thinking about somebody. it's probably nothing. a dead end sort of thing that i shouldn't even briefly consider. i dont know. he seems pretty wonderful.
ive also noticed how short my hair has become since haircut. trivial, i know.
im terribly tired. but for some reason the last thing i want to do right now is go to sleep. i probably should. but i am devoid of desire to do so. so i won't. because i listen to my gut, nearly never my reason. i suppose its what they call 'living in the moment'. do whatever the fuck you feel you want.
it also just occurred to me i need to stop talking like a sailor. i kiss my puppy with this mouth.
but he's morally decrepit---naked 24/7 and mounts his barney blankey frequently---so i suppose it all evens out.
im in the mood to watch a romantic film and swoon. but i wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open long enough to see the (hopefully) happy ending.
someone hold my hand.
ahhhh.
i'll stop here.

Sickums.

Hopefully, if i rest and keep taking the medicines ive been taking i'll be okay.
i feel better than this morning but i still feel terrible.
it sucks, because if im not better by monday, i'll do horribly on my audition and there goes what i've been wanting to do for so long; chance at lead role, gonnneee.
i just want to feel like i DIDNT get hit with a train.

i suppose all i can do is engorge myself on juicy juice and silly television programming.
<3

War Is Over, if You Want It.

No, this isn't going to be another one of my political rants. I'm not really in that kind of mood. Right now, I'm just pensive. I'm counting down all the little details in my mind that make me who I am. I'm recalling this war I've fought over and over and yet haven't had the heart to win. I'm still not sure if I do.
Today was the day we'd pick a tree and decorate it. Today was the day we'd string up the lights outside and brighten up the view. Today was the day I'd receive a letter from my uncle; my uncle on my real dad's side. He sent a check with the note as a birthday gift.
He's been doing this kind of thing in all the time he's known me and cared. Every Christmas, every birthday; my brother and I would get something in the mail. He didn't stop after my mother divorced his brother. There was no "brotherly taking sides" here. He persisted even when he realized that my dad hadn't made any effort to create a relationship with his "beloved" family. For some reason, it never struck me until this afternoon that maybe he still wants to know me.
Part of me is aching to talk to my uncle about my father; what he's been up to, if he's healthy. But I think that if I wait until I'm strong enough to deal with any type of goddamn response, it'd be too late. I don't know. Then closure wouldn't be an option, ever. And so I still wait, because right now is the wrong time. Something is holding a a knife to my back that says it will never be the right time. That I'll never get over it.
That's the war I just can't let go of. I can't end the fucking war.
And it's not as if I think about it constantly, because I don't. It's actually something that rarely ever crosses my mind; it's one of those things that only come up if my eyes glance at a reminder, or my mind wanders.
And as scarcely as I dwell on it (I'm getting really good at this whole, 'ignorance is bliss' thing), it doesn't make it small. It's terrifyingly huge. The pain has faded away. It took me two years to put it somewhat behind me, and still, on occasion, I'll feel that same pain.
I'm scared that I'll have to feel that again. I like being able to explain the situation without having to feel it directly. It's like I'm talking about somebody else. That disconnection---that numbness---makes it feel okay. I don't want that numbness to turn into yet another heartbreak.
I'm not pessimistic. I have a happy outlook on life. I see things through a rose colored glass, as they say. I question nearly everything but I don't doubt people in general. I absolutely love my life. I love myself. I love all the little things that make me this pixie I am today.
Hanging up beautiful ornaments, both old and new; the old seems ancient. The old ones are the same ones we brought from my first home during the move. It's insane how such little pieces of glass, or metal, or plastic, can bring so much to memory.
Nothing's the same. Nothing's ever the same.
I heard Sarah Maclaughlin's stunning soprano voice belt out the words to Happy Xmas, originally by John Lennon:
"WAR IS OVER, IF YOU WANT IT."

I think I want it.

How to succeed at life without really trying.

Well, it doesn't work that way. my point is, i'm working as hard as possible to make my audition awesome. i want my individualism to show through, and i know i can do that. i just hope my voice sounds okay---thankfully, my newfound love, hot tea, is good for 'ze chords, and i'll be okay.
i need to work on characterization. i need to give it my all. and have fun while doing so.
i want the role of rosemary---at least that's the lead i've got my eye on---but i'm going to try my very, very, very best not to keep my hopes up, because i dont want to be disappointed if i don't get it. chances are, i won't.
but it means so much to me. it really does... it's not the spotlight, its just that i think i'm okay at what i do, and i'm so passionate about it: theatre is truly a love of mine.
and i want to express that. i want a lead role in "how to succeed in business without really trying."
i think i can...
i'm not sure, but at least i can try, and do my best.
oh, and break as many legs as possible in the process.
and try not to mention the scottish play.

Alright So...

now that drama's over, i need to make the transition from BUSY BUSY BUSY ALWAYS WITH AWESOME DRAMA KIDS to doing absolutely nothing and getting little sleep ANYWAY.
its a tough transition, i really didnt think i would get so close to these great people. i also didn't think that it could possibly go away over the course of one night.
whenever i see these lovelies, we're as excited to see each other as we were when the show was in its production and performance stages.
i am so, so, so happy i did what i did. im happy i joined drama. i feel as if i could do anything! fly, perhaps.

musical auditions are next tuesday, so i'm honing my acting and singing skills so that i could possibly get a good part... i really hope i do. it doesn't have to be a lead (although, i'll admit, it would be nice) but just something... it would be wonderful.
i wonder how demanding mr. lewis' drama is. i suppose we'll see.
nobody's as tough as parsons.

Ponder, Wonder, Cry

All I've got to say is i am so unbelievably grateful for the theatre and the drama program at PV. I feel so lucky to be a part of something so beautiful, so wonderful, so fulfilling, my second home.
I made a few mistakes tonight due to my brain relapsing a tad, but it's alright. Those little mishaps and things that i forgot don't matter when you've got so many great individuals there to pick you up when you're temporarily out of order.
Tonight I cried. I hugged my parents and felt the eyes begin to water and those tears were truly aching to fall, but for some reason i didnt want them to see, I'm not sure. It's not as if something was wrong. Its just that drama has done so much for me. When you're not a part of it, the passion is nearly impossible to truly understand. I didn't want my parents to think something was awry. It was anything but. More so it's the hope that things don't go awry when drama comes to a close.
I come out like ive got so much confidence. The truth is, I do love myself. I don't want to change and I never would. But it doesnt change the fact that yes, I do want to be accepted, and no, i don't feel as if i am. The self esteem isn't at a golden level.
But drama makes me feel as if I'm well-liked. I'm so comfortable around these kids, its as if i could wander into a room with Chris' horrific latex mask on, or a beard, or donning a Santa suit thrusting along to James Brown (all of which I have indeed done, im prepared to admit), and i'd still feel alright with myself. There's not one person at drama that isn't a sweetheart.

I feel really grand right about now.
The tears were real. And the more I think about it, the more i wonder, the more i'm coming to the realization that
I don't ever want to come down from this cloud.