sick of this.

i am so fucking sick of this envy. this hatred. this bitter grudge i hold against any relatively bright and happy individual who happens to be in love. this loneliness is seriously starting to get to me.
what i need is some therapy. some self-induced therapy. you know, like shopping. or getting off my ass and getting myself a camera so that i can finally delve into photography. its something i really want to do. itll help me get away from it all.
this is pathetic. so pathetic. but what can i do?

all sorts of things, part two

i feel kind of blah now. at least i let my emotion out, right? i needed that. you see, this is the precise reason as to why i have a blog to begin with. i dont write for others to necessarily read. if they do, then, fine, but understand these are my ramblings. this is why i can either get intellectual on your ass and lecture you on racism and poverty, or disclose that my puppy chester spent a total of three hours licking himself (just an estimate. i dont really actually think about it.)
i want to finish the night on a happy, bright note. i want to smile. i want to laugh. i want to go to sleep and dream beautiful things. you know, that have nothing to do with weird stalkers like the last one.
i want to be able to tell myself and at last believe that yes, this is it, sasha, you can do whatever the hell you set your mind to. it doesnt matter.
my hands are numb as the lobby is in no way heated in this goddamn hotel. so as pretty as it seems, its painful as shit.
you know, sometimes.
im gonna miss cusco. its so gorgeous. and sam and me are planning to come here summer prior to senior year. talk about EXCIIITTTEEEDD.

well then.
i think i cheered myself up a bit
but i think im gonna amp it up a teensy weensy bitty bitsy bit
ASLKAJSDSAÑLDSK life is wonderful!
anddddd
black like me was a great book.
ajksljdañlk
and im typing on a spanish keyboard, hence, no apostrophes.
and im a happy person nestled in the andes as we, er, type.


alright, buenas noches.


again, i dont write for audience. i write for me.

all sorts of things all over the place

perhaps its just due to the fact im a moody teenager. but it bothers the shit out of me. you see, im really proud of who i am. what i look like. how i act. just, this individual i have become. i have a lot of strength and pride myself in being optimistic as much as humanly possible... however, lately, ive just had this dip, dip, dip in confidence and it hurts. a lot. its happened before. everytime i glance at a bowl of rice, or a glass of water, i think, well perhaps it would make me look nicer if i obsessed over eating those two things and only those two things. but then my logic, my common sense, kicks in and i realize, girl, that is completely and utterly unhealthy. you're going against all that you believe in. you are strong. you have courage. you cannot give in to such terrible things. you are beautiful.
i seem to always say the wrong things at the wrong times. and im always to blame. i dont try to fuck up, but i seem to do it ridiculously often. and my mom gets angry, so unbelievably furious at me, and i get that look... that look that says it all, and it also doesnt do much for my self esteem. im not asking anybody to nurture it. as samaras drama camp monologue said, i must learn to love myself.
and i thought i did. i mean, i knew i did. and i do. i think. its just so difficult at times.
everyones got their insecurities. and im in no way an exception. this is nothing. it may hurt right now, but it will soon serve to build my strength, my love for my life the way it is.

ive never been one to bask in the mold of someone elses creation. this is my life. this is who i am. i may not be certain of who or what that is, but ive got time. i need to keep my head up.

peru, represent

going to peru until the 31st :)
im visiting my family. i'm half latina, so my grandparents are still in S.A.
should be AMAZING.
havent been there in seven years i think? seven or eight. so this will be the first time i will be truly appreciating it---my surroundings, the culture im already so proud of. and im looking forward to it.

sooooo
here's to having a grand time in south america.

redunnndannnceee!

you must be sick of me. honestly. anybody who actually wastes their time reading my entries must be thinking, "damn, whenever she isn't ranting about some random societal issue, she's complaining about her lack of a boyfriend". and well, that might as well be true. but as accurate that is, it doesn't keep the singlehood from sucking.
i guess the freedom is nice. but i kind of like having a hand to hold. you know, as long as that hand isn't attached to the arm of a total and complete asshole.
but then again, it's been a while since that's been the case so i guess i'll just sit around. and wait. and wait. and wait.


and that, boys and girls, wraps up yet another apathetic post WOOO

LYK WOW

so this weekend is set to be pretty uneventful. i'm either going camping with the fam, which, in that case, weekend shall be lame. if i stay home, it will also be lame, but at least i'll have air conditioning and loud music. and that always seems to sweeten the deal.
i'm listening to fall out boy, just in a bum-ish mood. i dont really want to get off my ass. if i did, it'd be a waste of time


HAH

staying up mad late

this fine evening, because i don't like to sleep early.

marching bands of manhattan.

one day i'm going to move to new york city. i've been living here all my life. rural pennsylvania. and i'm already tired of it. i love nature, dont get me wrong, but i'm just so bored.
on a slightly different note, i just stumbled upon some old messages my ex had sent me while we were still dating. fuck, i wish it were easier to say that i don't regret it, that it all just made me stronger, being with him and having it end---but i guess i'll admit that he's someone i wish i had never met, never talked to. he ruined so much for me. i mean, way to fuck up my outlook on love and relationshipsi suppose that's pretty naive of me to say. but im terrified of having a relationship. i find it hard to approach anybody. i just dont have an interest in anybody. i'm lonely. what can i say? he's happy. new girlfriend, whatever. i've got nothing. so i get angry. i get bitter. i end up envying all those fucking happy people, slobbering all over each other in public. i know i've got ways to go. i'm young, i have a life ahead of me. but it's not so easy being so optimistic.
this evening is just the opposite of let's say, this afternoon as i watched clerks 2 with matt. i was in such a wonderful mood! and where the hell did it go? i'm actually tearing up as i write this, and i am so damn ashamed of that fact, but it just sucks. it really does.


hooray for summer.

lonelllyyy.

i'll apologize ahead of time, considering the fact that i'm in such a bummed out mood, this post will come off as pathetic. pathetic as fuck. definitely not proud of the pitiful tone i'm using, but i'm only being honest.
matt left for staten island, maybe an hour ago. and i feel like shit. i miss him. it baffles me that i'm feeling this way---i should be happy he came in the first place, but its just that i love him to death, and i miss him. so goddamn much. i don't get to see him often at all. so it hurts a lot when the time comes for him to leave.
i hate to sound so cliched. but come on, im a kid. a kid who's missing her friend. ive looked forward to this week for months, and it passed in about fifteen minutes. can you blame me?