perhaps its just due to the fact im a moody teenager. but it bothers the shit out of me. you see, im really proud of who i am. what i look like. how i act. just, this individual i have become. i have a lot of strength and pride myself in being optimistic as much as humanly possible... however, lately, ive just had this dip, dip, dip in confidence and it hurts. a lot. its happened before. everytime i glance at a bowl of rice, or a glass of water, i think, well perhaps it would make me look nicer if i obsessed over eating those two things and only those two things. but then my logic, my common sense, kicks in and i realize, girl, that is completely and utterly unhealthy. you're going against all that you believe in. you are strong. you have courage. you cannot give in to such terrible things. you are beautiful.
i seem to always say the wrong things at the wrong times. and im always to blame. i dont try to fuck up, but i seem to do it ridiculously often. and my mom gets angry, so unbelievably furious at me, and i get that look... that look that says it all, and it also doesnt do much for my self esteem. im not asking anybody to nurture it. as samaras drama camp monologue said, i must learn to love myself.
and i thought i did. i mean, i knew i did. and i do. i think. its just so difficult at times.
everyones got their insecurities. and im in no way an exception. this is nothing. it may hurt right now, but it will soon serve to build my strength, my love for my life the way it is.
ive never been one to bask in the mold of someone elses creation. this is my life. this is who i am. i may not be certain of who or what that is, but ive got time. i need to keep my head up.
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