one day i'm going to move to new york city. i've been living here all my life. rural pennsylvania. and i'm already tired of it. i love nature, dont get me wrong, but i'm just so bored.
on a slightly different note, i just stumbled upon some old messages my ex had sent me while we were still dating. fuck, i wish it were easier to say that i don't regret it, that it all just made me stronger, being with him and having it end---but i guess i'll admit that he's someone i wish i had never met, never talked to. he ruined so much for me. i mean, way to fuck up my outlook on love and relationshipsi suppose that's pretty naive of me to say. but im terrified of having a relationship. i find it hard to approach anybody. i just dont have an interest in anybody. i'm lonely. what can i say? he's happy. new girlfriend, whatever. i've got nothing. so i get angry. i get bitter. i end up envying all those fucking happy people, slobbering all over each other in public. i know i've got ways to go. i'm young, i have a life ahead of me. but it's not so easy being so optimistic.
this evening is just the opposite of let's say, this afternoon as i watched clerks 2 with matt. i was in such a wonderful mood! and where the hell did it go? i'm actually tearing up as i write this, and i am so damn ashamed of that fact, but it just sucks. it really does.
hooray for summer.
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