Get the hell out of this town.

I miss my friends. i miss seeing samara every day at school and i miss seeing andy every weekend. i miss having someone to complain to about guys. but now she's absolutely smitten, so i can be pathetic on my own. its absolutely grand.
today was a disaster. i really anticipated it being decent, or at least something that could be laughed over later but it wasn't.
i don't know why i try.
it's really difficult to say why i'm so upset. i guess i gave something a shot that i shouldn't have.
back to the drawing board, back to good ol' single me. at least i won't break anything, or get anything broken.

Something pretty wonderful, 4:08 a.m.

I'm just happy. so much better than i was around midnight.
i've got a good feeling about this. really good. im not sure why i suddenly have hope in this department.
it would be pretty redundant to say that hopefully, this hope im hoping isn't false hope.
but its the only way i know how to put it!
hmm!

12:17 a.m., December 26th.

Most depressing time of year.
And i've never noticed it.
I don't want to take down the tree
I don't want the Christmas songs to go silent
I don't want the lights to come down and be put away in a simple box in our attic.
I don't want my family to leave, I don't want Christmas to be over.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

So i wandered throughout the mall this evening, people watching as i so love to do. i had my ear buds in, with neutral milk hotel and the shins, and feist singing some of my favorite songs into my head and into my heart. i saw couples, i saw young mothers, i saw fathers and boyfriends/professional procrastinators buying their daughters and girlfriends gifts a good two days before christmas day. i saw the tall shining tree, children gazing at the lights with pure wonder in their eyes. using the banister as a guide i watched all around me, barely paying any attention to where i was going. i was just looking to every which direction, slowly, pensively, and happily. feeling somewhat free. sure, i was at a mall of all places, a corporate powerhouse where the objective of all is to shop and feed the machine. but none of that matters---none of that cynical bullshit matters, because christmastime is so much more. that mundane haze that typically surrounds nearly every bit of my surroundings faded. hell, maybe christmas had nothing to do with it. but that's no matter.
the downpour felt wonderful on my skin as i walked into the parking lot, disregarding all. others rushed for 'safety', but frankly, the safety for me lied in the rain. that comfort. i didn't want a jacket, i didn't want my hat. i wanted the rain more than anything at that moment.
and so i wonder, and i think, and things have gotten a bit more inhibited since then, considering laptops and walls will do that to you. and i long for that freedom, once again. someone accompany me into the field, because, admittedly, i'm rather afraid of the dark. i know its raining. but it surely isn't cold.

Hello there, I know you don't know me.

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind right now. how i've noticed that i can nearly never agree with someone---i always have to antagonize, i always have to defend myself. i can never just sit back and shut the fuck up. i need to stop being so domineering. maybe it's just my height. or lack thereof. the elf always wants the leg up.
im also thinking about somebody. it's probably nothing. a dead end sort of thing that i shouldn't even briefly consider. i dont know. he seems pretty wonderful.
ive also noticed how short my hair has become since haircut. trivial, i know.
im terribly tired. but for some reason the last thing i want to do right now is go to sleep. i probably should. but i am devoid of desire to do so. so i won't. because i listen to my gut, nearly never my reason. i suppose its what they call 'living in the moment'. do whatever the fuck you feel you want.
it also just occurred to me i need to stop talking like a sailor. i kiss my puppy with this mouth.
but he's morally decrepit---naked 24/7 and mounts his barney blankey frequently---so i suppose it all evens out.
im in the mood to watch a romantic film and swoon. but i wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open long enough to see the (hopefully) happy ending.
someone hold my hand.
ahhhh.
i'll stop here.

Sickums.

Hopefully, if i rest and keep taking the medicines ive been taking i'll be okay.
i feel better than this morning but i still feel terrible.
it sucks, because if im not better by monday, i'll do horribly on my audition and there goes what i've been wanting to do for so long; chance at lead role, gonnneee.
i just want to feel like i DIDNT get hit with a train.

i suppose all i can do is engorge myself on juicy juice and silly television programming.
<3

War Is Over, if You Want It.

No, this isn't going to be another one of my political rants. I'm not really in that kind of mood. Right now, I'm just pensive. I'm counting down all the little details in my mind that make me who I am. I'm recalling this war I've fought over and over and yet haven't had the heart to win. I'm still not sure if I do.
Today was the day we'd pick a tree and decorate it. Today was the day we'd string up the lights outside and brighten up the view. Today was the day I'd receive a letter from my uncle; my uncle on my real dad's side. He sent a check with the note as a birthday gift.
He's been doing this kind of thing in all the time he's known me and cared. Every Christmas, every birthday; my brother and I would get something in the mail. He didn't stop after my mother divorced his brother. There was no "brotherly taking sides" here. He persisted even when he realized that my dad hadn't made any effort to create a relationship with his "beloved" family. For some reason, it never struck me until this afternoon that maybe he still wants to know me.
Part of me is aching to talk to my uncle about my father; what he's been up to, if he's healthy. But I think that if I wait until I'm strong enough to deal with any type of goddamn response, it'd be too late. I don't know. Then closure wouldn't be an option, ever. And so I still wait, because right now is the wrong time. Something is holding a a knife to my back that says it will never be the right time. That I'll never get over it.
That's the war I just can't let go of. I can't end the fucking war.
And it's not as if I think about it constantly, because I don't. It's actually something that rarely ever crosses my mind; it's one of those things that only come up if my eyes glance at a reminder, or my mind wanders.
And as scarcely as I dwell on it (I'm getting really good at this whole, 'ignorance is bliss' thing), it doesn't make it small. It's terrifyingly huge. The pain has faded away. It took me two years to put it somewhat behind me, and still, on occasion, I'll feel that same pain.
I'm scared that I'll have to feel that again. I like being able to explain the situation without having to feel it directly. It's like I'm talking about somebody else. That disconnection---that numbness---makes it feel okay. I don't want that numbness to turn into yet another heartbreak.
I'm not pessimistic. I have a happy outlook on life. I see things through a rose colored glass, as they say. I question nearly everything but I don't doubt people in general. I absolutely love my life. I love myself. I love all the little things that make me this pixie I am today.
Hanging up beautiful ornaments, both old and new; the old seems ancient. The old ones are the same ones we brought from my first home during the move. It's insane how such little pieces of glass, or metal, or plastic, can bring so much to memory.
Nothing's the same. Nothing's ever the same.
I heard Sarah Maclaughlin's stunning soprano voice belt out the words to Happy Xmas, originally by John Lennon:
"WAR IS OVER, IF YOU WANT IT."

I think I want it.

How to succeed at life without really trying.

Well, it doesn't work that way. my point is, i'm working as hard as possible to make my audition awesome. i want my individualism to show through, and i know i can do that. i just hope my voice sounds okay---thankfully, my newfound love, hot tea, is good for 'ze chords, and i'll be okay.
i need to work on characterization. i need to give it my all. and have fun while doing so.
i want the role of rosemary---at least that's the lead i've got my eye on---but i'm going to try my very, very, very best not to keep my hopes up, because i dont want to be disappointed if i don't get it. chances are, i won't.
but it means so much to me. it really does... it's not the spotlight, its just that i think i'm okay at what i do, and i'm so passionate about it: theatre is truly a love of mine.
and i want to express that. i want a lead role in "how to succeed in business without really trying."
i think i can...
i'm not sure, but at least i can try, and do my best.
oh, and break as many legs as possible in the process.
and try not to mention the scottish play.

Alright So...

now that drama's over, i need to make the transition from BUSY BUSY BUSY ALWAYS WITH AWESOME DRAMA KIDS to doing absolutely nothing and getting little sleep ANYWAY.
its a tough transition, i really didnt think i would get so close to these great people. i also didn't think that it could possibly go away over the course of one night.
whenever i see these lovelies, we're as excited to see each other as we were when the show was in its production and performance stages.
i am so, so, so happy i did what i did. im happy i joined drama. i feel as if i could do anything! fly, perhaps.

musical auditions are next tuesday, so i'm honing my acting and singing skills so that i could possibly get a good part... i really hope i do. it doesn't have to be a lead (although, i'll admit, it would be nice) but just something... it would be wonderful.
i wonder how demanding mr. lewis' drama is. i suppose we'll see.
nobody's as tough as parsons.

Ponder, Wonder, Cry

All I've got to say is i am so unbelievably grateful for the theatre and the drama program at PV. I feel so lucky to be a part of something so beautiful, so wonderful, so fulfilling, my second home.
I made a few mistakes tonight due to my brain relapsing a tad, but it's alright. Those little mishaps and things that i forgot don't matter when you've got so many great individuals there to pick you up when you're temporarily out of order.
Tonight I cried. I hugged my parents and felt the eyes begin to water and those tears were truly aching to fall, but for some reason i didnt want them to see, I'm not sure. It's not as if something was wrong. Its just that drama has done so much for me. When you're not a part of it, the passion is nearly impossible to truly understand. I didn't want my parents to think something was awry. It was anything but. More so it's the hope that things don't go awry when drama comes to a close.
I come out like ive got so much confidence. The truth is, I do love myself. I don't want to change and I never would. But it doesnt change the fact that yes, I do want to be accepted, and no, i don't feel as if i am. The self esteem isn't at a golden level.
But drama makes me feel as if I'm well-liked. I'm so comfortable around these kids, its as if i could wander into a room with Chris' horrific latex mask on, or a beard, or donning a Santa suit thrusting along to James Brown (all of which I have indeed done, im prepared to admit), and i'd still feel alright with myself. There's not one person at drama that isn't a sweetheart.

I feel really grand right about now.
The tears were real. And the more I think about it, the more i wonder, the more i'm coming to the realization that
I don't ever want to come down from this cloud.

I need high ceilings.

When you're at the high school on a weekend (for drama, in my situation), it's relaxing. tall ceilings with great acoustics, walking the dark hallways and wandering into the chorus and band rooms alone. it's calming. there's this factor of: no worries (unless parsons comes skipping along), and freedom to just be.
i dont know. its nice. its really nice.
this week is going to be so busyyyy.
drama every day, busy busy busy.
but itll all pay off!
:D

I'm tired.

I'm tired, and probably should be snoozing away at this point, but i figured i might as well write a few words before i do that.
i was in a bit of an argumentative mood earlier this evening, its probably because my wisdom teeth surgery made it difficult (physically) to say anything, and i at times have lots to say.
but now, i don't, because i already got it all out with my angry typage.
im hungry but too lazy to travel downstairs for food. and too lazy to eat it, too, because its a chore even attempting such a thing with a swollen, sore mouth.
i'm listening to rilo kiley, thinking that perhaps i should play something a little less loud and upbeat. something like the honorary title would feel pretty nice, because something like iron and wine would probably put me to sleep right about now.
my back hurts from hunching over the goddamn keyboard.
im going to go.
or, at least try to muster up the willpower to just do it.
but im caught up in conversation with my buddy andrew, and i really want to help him out.



ahhhhhh.

Blog in the making?

I have this tendency to start things and give up on them due to excess laziness and such (there are countless websites i've built over my 7th and 8th grade years that have not seen the light of day since then, even though they're floating around cyberspace somewhere or other...) but i'm considering (not seriously considering, mind you, ha) starting a street fashion blog on blogger. it'd b fun. the only thing i'd worry about, besides abandoning it at some point in the near future as i so-often-do, is kids being willing to be photographed in public by complete strangers (i.e. sam and me, not that she has any idea i have come up with this concept to begin with) for a fashion blog.
its not like i have this extensive knowledge of fashion. i know a bit, and i know some of my designers. im interested, in the least, but way more in the personal style of regular people than runway models.
but the point is, not to care!
a fancy label means absolutely nothing.
street fashion is doing whatever the hell you want, and looking unique and fantastic at the very same time.
to publish that on the internet and maybe somebody finding the site and actually kind of enjoying it... that'd be thirty times more awesome than i can say. realistically.
how can i be sure anybody would be interested anyway?
i guess i just go for it.
i'll talk to samara, maybe she'd dig it.
im going to go entertain the idea in my head.
nighty!

Thanksgiving,

In the light of this thanksgiving, and my wisdom teeth surgery (not in that order), i'm feeling alright. my mouth is sore, and i look like a chipmunk in a black wig and a plum colored cardigan.
the surgery went well, i guess, because apparently, the terrible discomfort is completely normal and i've just got to deal with it. and thats okay. its difficult to eat anything that isn't mushy and cold. at least i get tons of ice cream, and popsicles, and soda out of it. sweet deal :D
the surgery process was so strange. i had never had any kind of surgery, so this was a bit of an adventure. an adventure i wouldnt have minded going without, but its a necessary evil, so, yep.
first they put me under the nitrous oxide in order to relax me and put the iv in my arm. i felt so strange, like dreaming, but it was scary, because of how heavy i felt and how defenseless my body became.
then i went under, they pulled the teeth out, and boom, im here, feeling pretty uncomfortable. i just want it to go away already.

thanksgiving was limited, obviously. but it was still nice.

I'm going to rest and ice my cheek so i dont feel totally horrible.

You must think I'm still sixteen.

My eye is watering, my head is slightly aching and needless to say, i didn't go to school today. Which is a good thing. I need to sleep. I don't think that i could survive one more day without adequate sleep. But its seemingly useless, because every night i get the suggested amount of shut-eye, and yet it does nothing for my body. I'm still exhausted. Still reluctant to do anything which my day dictates. All the things i need to do, i never get done.
So i was thinking about samara. The fact that her puppy has died---he was only a few months old and i still don't know what happened---brings random images to my mind, sam's father driving us to the local coffee shop for frozen cappuccinos and candies, staying up all night long just pondering why the fuck we did this, or that, laughing, rarely crying, and at any given moment, always enjoying ourselves. After all, Sam's supposed to be my best friend, as dumb as that sounds. There's an arsenal of memories telling me that it's totally worth it to keep trying to keep that a reality every time she cancels our plans, every time she doesn't call, every time she breaks a promise or previous engagement without any real reason. I'm starting to think that i'm stupid for trying. Andy calls it loyalty, but is it really loyalty if i never learn when to stop? Sad thing is, I already know that we've been through this before. Or at least I have.
Saturday we're hanging out.
I'm worn out.

Passenger.

I sometimes feel as if i'm in a movie. its almost like an out of body thing. but it isnt really, i just envision things in a different light, i guess. i'm not necessarily the lead role:

music's got to be playing in the background, or she doesnt feel it. she's the girl always trying to find relevancy. she's the silly one, but no one knows it until she's out of her shell. wishing she was the one up there onstage, doing what she wants to do. never quite finding the right words to say for fear of being overbearing, or too vulnerable. too breakable. making sorry attempts at figuring out this whatever. trying to find something she's good at because its never as if she's good enough. she's not totally lost. but she always keeps trying. she can be put down a thousand times. turned down, told 'never', and she's determined. or maybe she's just stupid. or is it loyalty? her best friend could tell her, "nah, i can't," at every given opportunity and she'd still keep at it. i guess its pathetic.
she prides herself on being really confident, and really assertive.
or maybe she's just insecure and too argumentative for her own good.

i dont know.
she might need some character development.

Pretty bad.

I'm okay. i guess. at least i know who my real friends are. i just wish they could be around more often. distance always makes it worse.

Well, on another note.


Nevermind.

I'm tired.

my legs are sore, well, to be honest, my entire body is sore.
waidestock was skanktastic.
i had a lovely time. and i got to see friends i havent seen in months. 12 hours away from the house, laughing, hugging, and ohhhh the music. there was the good, the bad, and just really sweaty. it was awesome. big d were great, probably one of the highlights of my night when it came to music. jerk city were great, the matches were good too, i only caught part of emmure's set but they were lovely..
and da mezzanine throwdown was GRANNNDD 'we dont have the bree bree music in switzerland!' cindy's such a magnificent character. ho ho ho.
blahh

im skipping out on the homecoming dance to watch absurdly gory movies in costume saturday :)
so thatll be fun.
and i borrowed a DIY book from sam, lots of ideas im going to take advantage of. there's this amazzzinnnggg clear tote bag project in there that i absolutely adore, so as soon as i get myself to ac moore then im getting on that.


good night lovelies

Iced animal crackers

How i do wish i had some. they represent something amazing, colorful, tasty as fuck and just flawless altogether. but a few bites and its gone. That's like some crappy love metaphor.
But no matter. i really want some right about now. thatd be pretty awesome.
julius caesar is a grand play, might i add. shakespeare never fails to please me. and marlon brando's a hottie. (we got to see part of the film version, it was really grand as well.)



Toodles.
p.s. i put together my final costume. i make a really great bettie page. minus the whip.

Bitch.

For lack of a better term.
I'm okay. We're alright. Gina and i deserve so much better than this.


So we'll be fine.
On another note...

Rilo Kiley's new album is pretty awesome.
and motion city's is just AMAZING.

'broken heart' is pretty easy to identify with.

Night.

I never met a more impossible girl.

It's kind of pathetic. i feel really awkward in school. but i got to meet an indie filmmaker/actor today after school, now that, dear readers, was awesome. his name is D.J. Mendel. get to know the man.
I wish, really bad, that i wasn't in stage crew, and that i was an actor on stage. i know the people who did get the roles were most certainly very deserving; they're all great people... but it sucks that im not one of them. oh well. i probably wouldn't mesh really well in the group anyway. i rarely ever do.
But i am starting to draw. badly, i might add, but its still fun and it gives me something to do when in world history. that class might as well be the biggest waste of time and least fun i'll ever have.
At least this year.
And tomorrow seems like it'll be a good day and night. im hitting up east stroudsburg with andy for halloween costumes. then, we're going to work on some music and watch some movies that night.

Silence of the lambs, clerks, and salvation army FTW.

Rehab.

I cried enough for one day. i decided this after he left and i invited my two best friends over for the night. somehow, i just didn't think i'd survive alone. as melodramatic as that sounds. maybe that was just the broken heart talking. for all i know, it probably was.
we whipped out some good records (and some horrible, as well), put on some vintage frocks, and curled andy's hair. used up about 2 hours of our lives and half a can of hairspray. none of which we regret. i did his makeup, and sam and i picked out a nice red dress for him to slip into.
all while a whitney houston 7-inch from the eighties was spinning on the turntable.
he wanted to kill us. we just wanted to see what a great drag queen he'd make. and a fantastic one he is.
i am so pathetic, i am the only girl in the world whose eyes could possibly well up with tears at 'pay to cum' by bad brains. he ruined some good music for me. at least for the time being.
we danced, we laughed, and each of them listened intently as i spilled my guts, and my heart. im sure it got redundant, but somehow they never give a care. they really love me. you dont know how good that feels.
after andy left, sam and i cuddled up on the couch with a precious moments blanket and popped 'bridget jones' diary' in the dvd player. we scoffed and shouted at the screen at the bad guy. we whined at the heartbreak. we cheered for mark, who ultimately came to love and adore bridget for who she was. the world's population of women in its entirety needs more men like him. samara and i are still trying to find these kinds of boys. (gina is, too. so far, little or no luck at all.)
afterward, samara introduced me to 'hedwig and the angry inch', a fabulous musical about a transsexual german rockstar.
needless to say, she never ceases to amaze me in our friendship.
thanks to both hedwig and sam, i also became acquainted with an old myth:
when the human race was created, people were conjoined in pairs. zeus then split each in two. so, it was believed that that is the reason as to why we are always looking for our other half. its why we love.
'its the origin of love.' isnt that pretty cool? it isn't true, of course, its only alive in mythology. but its such a whimsical concept.
at any rate:
something like 8 brownies, one toaster strudel, one can of organic spaghettios, one can of ravioli, one butterfinger, six or seven sodas, one slice of grape pie with over half a tub of cream on top, some cookies, a piece of bread with a pound of butter on top, about a thousand laughs and one romantic comedy later, both samara and andy are home now, and its up to me to feel okay on my own.

hopefully there's enough comfort food and a good, juicy lifetime movie to keep me from crying tonight.

Petals broke from tips of roses.

Tonight...
i'm going to collage, mayhaps send something to postsecret. that'd be fun. almost exciting. something to consider, i guess.
i'm probably going to cry. i'm going to try to occupy myself. i am not going to bask in naivete.
i'm not going to give up. but i am going to take things for what they are. i just want to stop feeling this fucking crappy.


'i'm filling in the empty spaces where you left your mark.'

Tears dry on their own.

i am too bitter to look on the bright side right now, although i know there's got to be one somewhere. i'm listening to amy winehouse, trying to cheer up. cookies can also help do the trick. i stayed home today because i had a pretty crappy stomach ache this morning, and i guess i needed the rest anyway. i really didn't want to stay home, because i dont want to miss any more school (although i only had one other sick day and that was two days ago..) and i still want to see him tomorrow.
its funny how badly i still want to hold him, although i feel as if he's almost screwing me over. leaving me hanging like this. im trying my best to keep my head up. i translated much of this heartbreak into anger. im trying my best here.
hopefully he'll actually call and we can get some things straight.
i hope he can drive us to nibor's tomorrow so i can get caffeine. a nice fattening drink will do me some good.

who knows why i try?

no, i am not in a good mood.
no, i am not thrilled about going to school tomorrow. (am i ever?)
no, i am not happy about the fact that he 'may or may not' still have a thing for his fucking ex.
and yes, thats exactly what it sounds like.
i need caffeine. i need reassurance. i want to see samara. i want to breathe. i want to stop crying. i want to stop coughing. i want this frustration to just dissolve. i want to know that he's not with her tonight. i want to know that he still adores me. or that he doesn't. i just want to know for certain whether im being dumped, or kept around. it'd be nice to not have to hang off of every single word, trying to get an answer out of him.
i wouldn't mind it if i actually lacked justification for bitching on a blog.
because if all of this was totally uncalled for, i would feel stupid, and refrain from complaining.

thanks. you just wasted a 1.5 minutes of your life. as did i.
-sigh-

whats on me mind.

i am tired. i am thirsty. i am bored, but somehow im so tired it doesnt even matter. i think too much. i have a butterfinger in the freezer just waiting for the perfect moment to be devoured. my favorite holiday is halloween. i like it when leaves turn a deep crimson. i think i may be too much of a romantic for my own good. one of these days, before it gets too cold, i'd like to take a nap in the field. hopefully not alone, and hopefully not at sunset, because i'm pretty scared of the dark, and it'd be black as pitch by the time we'd wake up. i really like the words 'existentialism' and 'anachronism'. i want to take my clothes off. i want to see across the universe. i like asian-inspired trinkets. i want to know he likes me as much as i adore him. im most certainly not a pessimist. i would like to let go and scream at the top of my lungs. i'd appreciate it if creeps didn't stare at my chest. im content. i have the greatest friends in this entire world. my mom says when i make certain faces i look like a weirdo from hellraiser. i think i wasted too much time on this blog. help me waste my time. efficiently. good night.

let me be loved, let me be loved.

for some reason, i feel at peace. im not sure what it is about today. its one of those absolutely flawless afternoons, for one... the sunlight is shedding a magnificent light against the trees and flowers outdoors, creating a bright, gorgeous gold. the air is perfect; a sublime breeze, not too cold, and most certainly not too warm. the kind of weather you want to lie out in the grass and just feel.



im at peace.

such great heights.

i couldnt really think of a more appropriate title for this.
but i might as well tell you, i havent felt this way in ages. this is something i felt i could only ever dream. i didnt expect this to happen. i thought stuff like this just happened in really blatantly romantic movies that suck but end up making your heart melt all the same.

im happy.
very happy.
thats all.

plays pretty for baby

i have a headache and am not in the happiest of moods but i'm alright. i just need a hot pocket.
really badly.
and dance around or something. absolutely anything.
im okay. its really no big deal. i just overanalyze everything and hate myself for it at times, but its just something i need to work at. i overthink everything. like now.
good night!

production

well. today was alright. school pictures, whatever. crisis kits, whatever. fucking stoners, whatever.
i cried a bit. i hate to say it, but i did. i guess i sort of let someone get to me, for some reason or another. but its not me. thats not who i am. im so much better than that. besides, it wasnt the words that bothered me, it was something else.
at any rate. im okay now. tomorrow is going to be an amazing day. ginger brew and walks in the field :) i simply cannot wait. i really hope my parents get home from car shopping as soon as humanly possible tomorrow morning because i want to see b. really badly. you have no idea. its so funny---that no matter what the hell he does or says, he has this marvelous ability to make me smile. i love that. i need that in my life. its trivial, i know. its no big deal, i know. chances are this could be a whole lot of nothing, i know, i know, i know. but i like him. and i think it could be the opposite of the latter. possibly.
im going to let my first friday since school began be a wonderful one. im going to watch guys and dolls and hopefully get my ass to the movie store to get garden state considering the fact my brother VERY RUDELY, MIGHT I ADD took it to kutztown university.

tomorrow will be wonderful. tonight will be relaxing. buhbye.

well then.

he certainly does know how to make me smile.


i think diggin this.


on another note. school has started. whatev.

BYE

what's on my mind.

i've got plenty on my mind. ive got nearly three books for english honors i've got to finish. ive got someone whose smile just keeps replaying in my head (who knows if that person feels that way about me, i'm guessing it's a no.) I'm kind of craving a hot pocket, too.

I feel lame. I can't let myself get attached. I'm going to get hurt once again. If it's going to turn into anything, he needs to show some kind of initiative. I'm not sure I want to try.

I'm worrying entirely too much.
I need to let go of whatever the fuck you-know-who did to hurt me.
I'm strong.

idealogical struggles my ass.

bush is comparing the vietnam war to the war at hand in iraq. calling them both 'ideaological struggles' (well, depends on the day, considering we americans like to change our minds as to why the hell we're over there pretty damn often.)
and if we really are putting our best soldiers on the line in the name of democracy, an ideal government (to us, anyway), then it's truly an unrealistic feat. you see, an idea like that---that you can force your culture on another and expect them to conform successfully---is like doing an organ transplant on someone with a completely different bloodtype than the donor. it doesn't work because that nation has been the way it has been for years. it simply cannot adapt.
more americans will die. more mothers turned to widows. more fathers turned to widowers. more children with single parents. more parents having to bury their son or daughter. and for what reason? well, to some, its in the name of fighting terrorism. eradicating something that has very dangerous potential.
now i dont disagree that terrorism is a horrific thing. it truly is. but we bombed iraq with the intention of finding weapons of mass destruction (none!), then we kicked their dictator's ass (he's dead now, mind you), and by then we destroyed so much we thought, hey, let's try instilling our form of government on a population that's most certainly not used to the way it works.
on another note, fighting terrorism is like fighting crime: you can't destroy it in its entirety. call me crazy, but why not try defending your own nation (you know, the one you were elected to help protect? ring a bell?) and increasing security HERE rather than playing the good cop and sending our sons and daughters to die overseas? we could make airports more secure. educate the public on what to do if they see suspicious activity. there are so many alternatives. alternatives that help save lives rather than take them.
don't get me wrong. i 250% support our troops. but that doesn't mean i support this war. i can certainly see that similarities exist between 'nam and iraq. the reasons for both: illegitimate. public opinion concerning each: negative. the majority of america wants their troops back.
and if things work out the way that i think they will, the american people will end this war. just like vietnam.

lethargy

i slept something like thirteen hours and for some reason, due to the way biology works, i am still tired. and not even just a little. im exhausted. so exhausted. but ill get to napping in a bit.
well, today was alright. it stormed. but thats okay because i don't mind the rain. its just always a little better if you've got a friend with you.
speaking of friends. i think i hurt one today. its more than just suspecting it, i know i did. and it bothers me too but i cant really control where my heart is. its with friends. my family. my life. not with anyone romantically. i can't change that until someone comes along and does.

anyway.
im going to eat some tortellini.

yearning, yearning.

im craving something. and im not quite sure what it is. im getting some sort of reaction on my arms from the sunblock i used yesterday, so i'm physically uncomfortable, but beneath all of that i'm just sick of being alone. i honestly am. so i get the best of both worlds, huh?
i can be so insensitive and yet i can be the sweetest girl. i guess that goes hand in hand with being a teenager; that angst that comes out when the pain is obvious and then the heart i have at any given moment at its purest.
i apologize if none of this is making sense. im doing my best here to vent.
i want to sing. i want to cry. i want to laugh. i want to smile. i want to scream. there is so much in me that needs an outlet. i need to be heard. i want to be held. i want to feel something. i want it to rain.
i feel so pathetic blogging about these things. my eyes are filling with tears. god, all i need right now is a good cry. that'd get everything out. at least for now. and it would feel good.
the moment i say 'goodbye' to my friends online im going to write. my favorite things, a song even, then ill catch up on my reading if im still up for it.

i just need a pick me up. something caffeinated.

not to get all hallmarky on you, but, fuck, only i can define who the hell this girl is.

august eighth, ohseven.

greatest day of my summer. so great, in fact, that i'm already planning a second trip to see spring awakening so that i can have yet another wonderful day. another 'greatest day', if you will.
the musical itself... i cannot explain to you how incredible it truly was, and is. the script itself is genius. the music is infectious; and it really does make you feel like you showed up for a rock show rather than a musical. each song forces you to believe that you are the only one in the theatre. it stirs up emotions you thought didn't exist. you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll smile, you'll watch with sorrow in your heart. it's truly worth the two hour bus ride and the amount we spent on tickets.
come october i'll be awakened again, for lack of a better term.
i cannot wait. this was the best day since god knows when.

my conclusion.

i'm not actually having an epiphany as i write this. so, by 'conclusion', what i really mean is, "i have this newfound something", just not quite sure how to word it. you see, ive had this issue with songwriting where i could never write anything that didn't sound and read as contrived. it was fake to me. it didn't come naturally, it was as though i was writing for an objective although it was a subconcious decision to do so. so, by default, i hated anything that came from my pen. but this past night i set out to write a song that really was something i could be proud of. and i did. with old springs pike's 'i thought of you' playing in the background, i found ample inspiration for a piece of lyrical work that really felt good writing. and im actually kind of proud of it.
so i'm sitting here, and i feel kind of confident about it. im going to write some more tonight; because ive got a lot of inspiration and influences that need to be put to paper.
lately ive been getting to sleep super late considering the fact ive been making collages and painting things and just delving into little projects like that. its fun, and it keeps me busy.
so wednesday's coming up kinda fast. which trust me, i'm totally and completely fine with that because i've been waiting for this for months, what seemed to be AGES. and i'm SO FUCKING EXCITED! if you don't know, and haven't heard me get crazy about it, august eighth is the day i'm going to new york city to see spring awakening. you have no idea how much im looking forward to it. nothing's standing in my way of having an amazing time. ill see to that, ha.
well i think i'm done. carpal tunnel syndrome may be my demise if i keep ranting, so ill stop ;)

i have a headache!

and i'm typing really fast about nothing
i want to stay up relatively late tonight
i also want to find my clerks 2 dvd because its currently MIA

and i love those movies.








:(

my ass hurts

from sitting on a non-cushioned chair for so damn long. but you know, i feel compelled to blog. so my butt's just going to have to endure this pain for a little longer.
there are so many things i want to do.
i want to learn how to crochet, so i can make myself a red knit hat. because the one i'm wearing hurts my brain.
i also would like to buy some more little tubs of textile paint because i have this obsession with splattering blank t-shirts among other things with the black paint i had sitting on my dresser.
i want to go shopping.
i want to learn how to develop photographs by hand.
i want my bum to stop hurting.
i want to have a chopping at my bangs this evening.
i feel selfish saying 'i want' so many freaking times.
so we're going to create another useless post!

sick of this.

i am so fucking sick of this envy. this hatred. this bitter grudge i hold against any relatively bright and happy individual who happens to be in love. this loneliness is seriously starting to get to me.
what i need is some therapy. some self-induced therapy. you know, like shopping. or getting off my ass and getting myself a camera so that i can finally delve into photography. its something i really want to do. itll help me get away from it all.
this is pathetic. so pathetic. but what can i do?

all sorts of things, part two

i feel kind of blah now. at least i let my emotion out, right? i needed that. you see, this is the precise reason as to why i have a blog to begin with. i dont write for others to necessarily read. if they do, then, fine, but understand these are my ramblings. this is why i can either get intellectual on your ass and lecture you on racism and poverty, or disclose that my puppy chester spent a total of three hours licking himself (just an estimate. i dont really actually think about it.)
i want to finish the night on a happy, bright note. i want to smile. i want to laugh. i want to go to sleep and dream beautiful things. you know, that have nothing to do with weird stalkers like the last one.
i want to be able to tell myself and at last believe that yes, this is it, sasha, you can do whatever the hell you set your mind to. it doesnt matter.
my hands are numb as the lobby is in no way heated in this goddamn hotel. so as pretty as it seems, its painful as shit.
you know, sometimes.
im gonna miss cusco. its so gorgeous. and sam and me are planning to come here summer prior to senior year. talk about EXCIIITTTEEEDD.

well then.
i think i cheered myself up a bit
but i think im gonna amp it up a teensy weensy bitty bitsy bit
ASLKAJSDSAÑLDSK life is wonderful!
anddddd
black like me was a great book.
ajksljdañlk
and im typing on a spanish keyboard, hence, no apostrophes.
and im a happy person nestled in the andes as we, er, type.


alright, buenas noches.


again, i dont write for audience. i write for me.

all sorts of things all over the place

perhaps its just due to the fact im a moody teenager. but it bothers the shit out of me. you see, im really proud of who i am. what i look like. how i act. just, this individual i have become. i have a lot of strength and pride myself in being optimistic as much as humanly possible... however, lately, ive just had this dip, dip, dip in confidence and it hurts. a lot. its happened before. everytime i glance at a bowl of rice, or a glass of water, i think, well perhaps it would make me look nicer if i obsessed over eating those two things and only those two things. but then my logic, my common sense, kicks in and i realize, girl, that is completely and utterly unhealthy. you're going against all that you believe in. you are strong. you have courage. you cannot give in to such terrible things. you are beautiful.
i seem to always say the wrong things at the wrong times. and im always to blame. i dont try to fuck up, but i seem to do it ridiculously often. and my mom gets angry, so unbelievably furious at me, and i get that look... that look that says it all, and it also doesnt do much for my self esteem. im not asking anybody to nurture it. as samaras drama camp monologue said, i must learn to love myself.
and i thought i did. i mean, i knew i did. and i do. i think. its just so difficult at times.
everyones got their insecurities. and im in no way an exception. this is nothing. it may hurt right now, but it will soon serve to build my strength, my love for my life the way it is.

ive never been one to bask in the mold of someone elses creation. this is my life. this is who i am. i may not be certain of who or what that is, but ive got time. i need to keep my head up.

peru, represent

going to peru until the 31st :)
im visiting my family. i'm half latina, so my grandparents are still in S.A.
should be AMAZING.
havent been there in seven years i think? seven or eight. so this will be the first time i will be truly appreciating it---my surroundings, the culture im already so proud of. and im looking forward to it.

sooooo
here's to having a grand time in south america.

redunnndannnceee!

you must be sick of me. honestly. anybody who actually wastes their time reading my entries must be thinking, "damn, whenever she isn't ranting about some random societal issue, she's complaining about her lack of a boyfriend". and well, that might as well be true. but as accurate that is, it doesn't keep the singlehood from sucking.
i guess the freedom is nice. but i kind of like having a hand to hold. you know, as long as that hand isn't attached to the arm of a total and complete asshole.
but then again, it's been a while since that's been the case so i guess i'll just sit around. and wait. and wait. and wait.


and that, boys and girls, wraps up yet another apathetic post WOOO

LYK WOW

so this weekend is set to be pretty uneventful. i'm either going camping with the fam, which, in that case, weekend shall be lame. if i stay home, it will also be lame, but at least i'll have air conditioning and loud music. and that always seems to sweeten the deal.
i'm listening to fall out boy, just in a bum-ish mood. i dont really want to get off my ass. if i did, it'd be a waste of time


HAH

staying up mad late

this fine evening, because i don't like to sleep early.

marching bands of manhattan.

one day i'm going to move to new york city. i've been living here all my life. rural pennsylvania. and i'm already tired of it. i love nature, dont get me wrong, but i'm just so bored.
on a slightly different note, i just stumbled upon some old messages my ex had sent me while we were still dating. fuck, i wish it were easier to say that i don't regret it, that it all just made me stronger, being with him and having it end---but i guess i'll admit that he's someone i wish i had never met, never talked to. he ruined so much for me. i mean, way to fuck up my outlook on love and relationshipsi suppose that's pretty naive of me to say. but im terrified of having a relationship. i find it hard to approach anybody. i just dont have an interest in anybody. i'm lonely. what can i say? he's happy. new girlfriend, whatever. i've got nothing. so i get angry. i get bitter. i end up envying all those fucking happy people, slobbering all over each other in public. i know i've got ways to go. i'm young, i have a life ahead of me. but it's not so easy being so optimistic.
this evening is just the opposite of let's say, this afternoon as i watched clerks 2 with matt. i was in such a wonderful mood! and where the hell did it go? i'm actually tearing up as i write this, and i am so damn ashamed of that fact, but it just sucks. it really does.


hooray for summer.

lonelllyyy.

i'll apologize ahead of time, considering the fact that i'm in such a bummed out mood, this post will come off as pathetic. pathetic as fuck. definitely not proud of the pitiful tone i'm using, but i'm only being honest.
matt left for staten island, maybe an hour ago. and i feel like shit. i miss him. it baffles me that i'm feeling this way---i should be happy he came in the first place, but its just that i love him to death, and i miss him. so goddamn much. i don't get to see him often at all. so it hurts a lot when the time comes for him to leave.
i hate to sound so cliched. but come on, im a kid. a kid who's missing her friend. ive looked forward to this week for months, and it passed in about fifteen minutes. can you blame me?

a little ditty on bigotry

Hatred comes in many forms. It could be blatantly insulting an individual for the hue of their skin. or perhaps they are of a sexual orientation that differs from yours. Maybe you're not a fan of Muslims. It doesn't matter whether you're Black, White, Asian, Latino, or anything at all; either way, you're spreading a virus that gives intolerant people false 'justification' that it's alright if you hit some kid due to the fact he's gay; that there's absolutely nothing wrong with calling an African-American a 'nigger' just for the hell of it. In simpler terms, what I'm attempting to get across, is that if you hate, the more you make it seem it's okay that others do the same damn thing.
It's a happy little virtue that goes by the name of ignorance, and although we have made progress (think the civil rights movement), it's still very much alive in the hearts of many, as slow as we are to recognize it.
I think the way most Americans take the issue, is that "Oh, we freed the slaves two hundred years ago, we're equal now", although these are the same individuals that blame "all the Mexicans and black people" for their financial issues and their local crime rate. That, my friends, is racism. Yes, the crime rate is much higher among minorities, but there are reasons for that. No, I'm not going to take all responsibility from minorities by simply stating it's solely because of their environment--- but social environments are indeed a major factor. Yes, to an extent, the human being has a sense of right and wrong that comes naturally. It's what makes us, us. The problem is, if you've been growing up in a poor neighborhood where shootings and gang violence have become facts of life, that sense becomes distorted. Some will escape that world, using their pain as a method of building mental and emotional strength; to help them better take on life in a positive manner. However, many, if not most, do not take that path. Perhaps they can't. That's up to the individual to decide.
Also, something I'd like to point out quickly is this: if you were brought into this country as a white man's property, in shackles, viewed as inhuman, an animal, even, how long do you think it takes to reach that white man's stature in society? 10 years? 50? 100? And even after you're freed, you're still viewed in a fashion that isn't terribly different than before? What about being burned alive, or hung, and authority not giving a damn, as recently as the sixties?
And you say that men and women of color have the same opportunities as the white. Maybe today, it is close, for some. But it's certainly not equal.
In the film American History X, Edward Norton's character, Derek Vinyard, a skinhead, cites that "White Europeans came to this country and fluorished" and ponders why the black man never did. Looks like someone doesn't know his history---from the beginning of America's European colonization, there have been many, many unsuccessful settlements. Almost all the Pilgrims at Plymouth died their first winter. But while they had it hard, they didn't arrive in chains. But someone did, and they're still suffering for it.
The fact of the matter is that many, some consciously, and most, subconsciously, still harbor beliefs not too different from these; holding them close to their hearts. These ignorant beliefs that fuel violence. Hatred. Bigotry. All these things this nation can very easily do without. Unfortunately, until someone finally comes to the realization that this is no way to live, these beliefs are passed from generation to generation.
After all, we bleed the same blood. We cry the same tears. We laugh the same laughs. We're the same. We're human. End the hatred between us.

(note: this is definitely not as vivid as some of my other compositions... but it's something. take it or leave it. i'm hoping i changed a mind or two.)

wondering if this constitutes 'pathetic'

perhaps, perhaps. all i know is that i'm kind of lonely. not lonely in the sense that i'm just about ready to place an ad in the paper to let all suitors know i'm available, god no. its just, i'll admit it would be pretty nice to meet a sweet, respectful guy. friends would be fine. i'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but i wouldn't mind falling in love. if it were to happen, it'd be a beautiful thing. i haven't felt that kind of euphoria for ages. and i'd like to feel it again.
maybe someone will play matchmaker and find me a non-dick, ha. someone like me. im sick of dating the complete opposite.
at any rate. on a different note. my bum is sore from sitting on it for so goddamn long in front of the computer. it just occurred to me that it's nearly 11 p.m. that means it's almost time to retire to my bedroom, considering the fact i'm not interested in sticking around here much longer. i'll absolutely go insane.
all the clothing i took to sam's is strewn all upon my floor. second day and i haven't tidied up a thing :( perhaps i'll get to that. hopefully i'll get to some reading, too. sam let me borrow a book. 'lolita' by nabokov. definitely looking forward to starting that gem of a novel.
i want to stay up late tonight. it's not as if i don't already, but this evening, someone should call me and actually give me a reason for losing so much sleep. okay?
and someone should take me to play it again records in bethlehem sometime in the near future. it's a lovely little shop and i wanna get me some more vinyl.
my back is beginning to hurt, too. i'm in desperate need of a massage.
i think i'm going up to my bed. air conditioning, and cell phone.
will be nice.
maybe you should give me a ring.

empty?

i've got no inspiration right now. nothing at all.
i think i'm going to have to listen to some elliott smith.
he never fails to get me going.

maybe when i'm not being lazy and have more ideas i'll compose something worthwhile.

spring freaking awakening

well then, if you know me, chances are you're pretty familiar with the fact that i'm obsessed with Spring Awakening. in august i'm going to see the genius production that it is, and needless to say, i can't wait.
so, in honor of my loooove for spring awakening, i'm going to do everything i can in order to perform 'mama who bore me' for the drama camp cabaret. will be mamazing, if i do say so myself. i hope i can do it justice.
anyhoo!
i'm seriously in the mood for shopping. really.

i've got an itchy fucking throat

well, it's relatively early for me (considering it is summer, and i have no interest or intention to wake up any earlier than, let's say, noon) and i'm guessing that i have to get ready sometime in the near future because i think i'm going grocery shopping with my mom. or something.

i have to go de-greasify myself. i'll continue this later.